I have so much left to say to you
The post I was writing was about a catering event I had done. I remember the event so clearly, the meals I made, the beauty I created on the plate, but at the same time as I was catering, I was conflicted at the same time, because I knew my best friend was in that hospital bed fighting for her life. Still I endured and I put on a happy face. I didn't show my pain. That's something that I am very good at. I seem to bottle up a lot of my feelings and brush it under until one day the emotions come pouring out at once. I know, that is probably not the healthiest thing to do, but it's something that I have been programed to do. Don't show emotions. Don't let others show your weaknesses.
I haven't ever written about 12/30/2019 before because it was the day before I lost my best friend. Then something came over me. Today of all days, I don't know why, something came over me... I haven’t revisited my blog in an entire year. An entire year. I haven't written in an entire year on my blog in an entire freaking year. Have I been grieving for a year, or has it been the craziness that our world has been living in? And then, all of a sudden, tears..... I could not control these emotions. As I write, the tears started flowing down my cheeks, because I haven't let myself feel again since then. Since your funeral, since your memorial on your birthday. There were those certain days I let myself feel, but then after those days, I put those feelings away again. I didn't want myself to feel these feelings again. I didn't want to feel this sadness.
So here we are.... We’re coming up on a year since I’ve seen my best friend. Since I said goodbye. Since I saw your beautiful face, since you went to be with our Lord. It’s been a year and it seems like it was yesterday. There are things that I cannot bring myself to do. I cannot bring myself to delete your messages, I cannot bring myself to delete your number, because it’s part of you.
I have a journal that I bring with me to church on Sunday or in our day in age, I watch church virtually (you know, we're in stay in place orders) and I bought it the day you passed away. On the cover it says, “I will walk by faith even when I cannot see.” I didn’t know a year ago what this journal would open for me, what I would write in it, what I would learn about myself as I wrote in this journal, but something spoke to me that day on 12/31/2019 when I bought it. I like to think a part of my bestie was speaking to me when I bought it.
Since a year ago, I only write in that particular journal on Sundays, or for scriptures and what I learn, how things speak to me, and as this year comes to an end, it looks like, I will get to the end of this journal as this year ends… It’s a beautiful ending to this year, as it was a sad start. As this year ends, I look forward to what next year shall bring and now I want to find another journal that may speak to me. Maybe another one that reminds me of you. Perhaps something Purple. 💜
The fact that I know you’re no longer in pain brings so much peace to my heart, but there have been so many moments, where I have needed to just talk to you, or I have just wanted to call you and pick up the phone, and I haven’t been able to. I think that has been the hardest part of this year. My birthday was definitely hard, missing my cute little bestie voicemail you usually leave me, and the kids birthdays with your cute little message you do. Thinking about that just makes me cry because you use to just leave me the best messages on my birthday and I will cherish them always.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I definitely cooked like crazy for you this year like we had planned. We had planned to do a lot of cooking together this year, and I definitely tried some new things you would've loved. We had a very special bond together and I am so blessed we got the time together we did and until we do meet again. May you dance in heaven... Love you bestie.